A little while ago, I received my high school entrance exam scores back. I did really well, better than most people expected. My mom is so proud, she kept telling me how amazing my scores were. I naturally said that they were good, but I could have done better. Thats when she said something that, I have to admit, took me by suprise. She said, “You are extraordinary. You have been through so much, and you aren’t resentful or angry.”. She was referring to the journey through my brothers’ mental illnesses, and all our moves and changes. She has called me extraordinary, and kind things like that before, but she has never brought up my anger or resentment before. In all honesty, she wasn’t right, it pains me to say that because I never should have been resentful towards them, but I was. My mom told me that it took her over 20 years to not be resentful towards her mom, I understood why, but she had a good reason. I don’t have a good reason other than selfishness. I am resentful, mean, and angry towards my older brother for a long time, and it was unfair. I could be as angry as I wanted, but what was being mean and resentful doing? Nothing, except making myself miserable and hurting someone I should have helped take care of. Instead, I left everything to my mom, who had panic attacks on a regular basis now. There were, and are, so many things to worry about, especially when you weren’t sure you would have a place to live in a few months. I look back now, and realize that, my mom was functioning with all of that on her shoulders, but I couldn’t function at all.
My mom told me there was nothing wrong with being angry, it was understandable why I was. She’s right, even having a loved one with a mental illness takes a toll on the people around them. I do hate the way I was toward my older brother, but I know that it all happened because I never said how I felt. I rarely do. It’s okay to be angry, but that doesn’t give you the right to be cruel. Whether your sibling, parent, aunt/uncle, or grandparent is the one suffering from a mental illness, it does take a toll on you, and other people they associate with. It’s okay to be upset, angry, frustrated, etc.. It’s natural. You can’t let resentment keep you from having relationships though.
I know it’s hard, and to be quite honest, miserable. Sometimes that’s all I felt… It does get better, but I know from experience that someone telling you that, doesn’t always help. It is the truth, even if it doesn’t feel like it now, it will get better. I can’t tell you how to deal with your stuff, I still struggle to deal with my own, but I know it gets better. I can’t tell you when either, but you have to believe that the horrible feeling you may feel at this moment will go away. There is a quote I love, I repeat it to myself whenever I feel like I can’t deal anymore. “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.” ~Ed Sheeran. You aren’t alone in what you feel or go through. Maybe your friends won’t understand, maybe people will judge, (That’s what humans do best right?), there are a lot of things that may happen, but there will always be at least one person who understands what you’re going through. Don’t be afraid to share your story though, no matter what anyone thinks, they can think what they want… what matters is what you think, not them. Click here to listen to Simple as this by Jake Bugg. (One of my favorite songs.)